March 26

Light and Shade: Our Founder’s Journey with Bipolar II

World Bipolar Day is observed annually on March 30th, the birthday of artist Vincent van Gogh, who was posthumously diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The day aims to raise global awareness, eliminate social stigma, and improve education surrounding bipolar disorder. It also highlights that, with the right support and treatment, people living with bipolar can lead healthy, productive lives.

Bipolar disorder is a condition involving extreme shifts in mood, from periods of depression to episodes of heightened energy or focus. Despite this, stigma remains a significant challenge, with 69% of people living with bipolar reporting that it impacts their family life.

Support Link: Bipolar UK Website

Phil James: My Story.

It's weird when you find out something later in life that completely explains the life you had before that point… Being diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder in my 50s felt like a key unlocking an old door. The symptoms and the effects it can have on someone felt, to me, like looking through a 1970s photo album of my childhood.

I imagine there must have been a lightbulb moment, not just for me, but for my wife too. My sensitivity as a young child to every kind of stimulus, then my struggles at school to fit in, concentrate, and learn in a way that worked for me. It was a dreadful time, and looking back I realise that was probably my first experience with depression.

Leaving school to attend art college in another town was life-changing. I could express myself through art, music and fashion, surrounded by like-minded, creative people, without the rigid constraints of the education system in the 70s and 80s. I found my calling there. I realised I didn't just enjoy one form of creativity, but all of them. Photography became the quickest way to get results for my attention span, but fashion became another way of making things. I still pick up the camera now and again. I've always enjoyed working in my own space, with complete freedom.

I've worked for myself ever since and realised I'm probably unemployable. It suits the way my mind works, and I think that's why I naturally fell into it.

Light and shade is the simplest way to describe bipolar. I can be on a high, hyper-focused on a project, or just because the sun is shining. I love those periods, I’m creative, productive, and get a huge amount done in a short time. I’m still not sure it’s always easy for the people around me, though.

My wife knows as soon as I wake up what kind of day it’s going to be. With Bipolar II, you can move between light and shade within days, sometimes even within the same day. The impact on my family, friends and colleagues has no doubt been hard for them.

It’s something I add to the pile of guilt that people like me carry.

I am concerned by the growing trend of self-diagnosing conditions and wearing them as a badge of honour. I can tell you it can be incredible at times, but it can also be incredibly hard, for everyone. It is an illness, and not something I would wish on anyone.

I don't talk about it often. Usually only when I feel I need to explain myself after I've upset someone. It's not an excuse for bad behaviour, but it does explain why I feel things more intensely than most. It's a constant battle. Holding in frustration, managing strong opinions, and trying to stay balanced. It's relentless, and it's exhausting. I can go from feeling like I can do anything to not wanting to be here at all. That takes its toll.

More recently, I've found a way through. Therapy, the right medication, and a lot of exercise. Slowing things down and trying to look up more. I've got a very wrinkly face from smiling, which I take as a good sign.

Accepting that I'll always be on that rollercoaster, usually with my family and friends in the carriages behind me, has helped me understand that this is who I am, and always have been. And eventually, to like that person, for all his faults :)